January 18, 2022

All too often does a game get too little hype like the blister child of an abortion failure home, leaving it to writhe around in its own filth and die at the hands of a merciless world. Astroneer, however, got quite the spotlight on steam around its release time. Coming out in the center of December 2016, it set out to bring about the experience of enjoying space and surviving what it can throw at you. It has a starting menu that brings you to a fittingly doughnut-shaped space station.

A lifelong fear of mine being money, success, and plenty of food, I went straight for the skinniest bastard I could get my hands on. Flinging myself towards the planet with reckless abandon, I sat neatly in a small clearing between some mountains. The first things you notice in Astroneer are as follows, the striking art style and lighting engine that fit nicely together. I choose to believe that my character does not share my aspirations of staying skinny, and like a fat man at a wedding suspecting he may be thrown out, I leapt at all the resources in my immediate area. Absorbing all the ‘ores’ in my general vicinity and setting up a little base before night fell, I found the sense of highly aggressive gluttony satisfying, as my inventory was now filled to the brim with simple building materials.

I had three solar panels set up to allot me the needed energy, but the sunset gave me no such care. Now without a steady source of power, I chose to do some exploring. Setting my extend-o dildos in the direction of my choosing, I followed the path of resources to a small wreck, finding blueprint objects that could be researched. At this point, a sandstorm had come out and a rock came within kissing distance of my face. I dove into a hole and hoped to wait out the sandstorm. Little did I know, x-ray rocks from my nightmares had graced this planet and I was swiftly turned into jelly against the ground.

Realizing my death was another pointless sacrifice, I looted my body, sealed my hole such as a tomb may be, and moved to greener pastures. At this point I ran out of oxygen and suffocated. I had lost my body and the voices in my head agreed the best way to continue would to focus on base building. The next half an hour resulted in a lot of progress that I have forgotten about, but upon coming to my senses I was on a hot planet with giant angry spike testicles.

After bravely hiding inside of a mountain, I made another base and found that the game has different ideas about where to place objects as I do, and decided the best place to build my printer was inside the ceiling directly above me.I felt I owed it to myself to take a step back and wonder if Astroneer was worth continuing. If it was up to me, and not my co-pilots riding shotgun and changing the radio station all the time, I would have continued. However, the game rides a quick life that putters out in its Early Access state. I would dare say that I may come back to it once again after it has been filled with steroids and made playable beyond simply traveling to another planet. The prospect of going to an entirely different world may seem like it is beneficial, but as long as you know where to look, the starting planet is all you really need to see.

For final words, the game is desperately in need of a tutorial or hint system to give new players a chance at getting through the game without searching the bowels of the internet for half-assed advice. Seeing as it is indeed updated once a month at the time of writing, it may be a while before Astroneer is worth the play again. Similar to a good fridge, it keeps what it has cool, and interesting long enough for you to enjoy it, but will only start to be fun when more is added. Once you make it through what the game has to offer, there is very little to have you coming back. Such is the air of early access. Unless you want to be the fat bastard and imagine him stuffing his suit with everything he absorbs.

  • 75%
    Gameplay - 75%
  • 70%
    Graphics - 70%
  • 70%
    Sound - 70%
  • 40%
    Longevity - 40%
  • 55%
    Value - 55%

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